Drinky drinky fests

If you want to get shnockered at a festival this weekend, you won't have to look far. And if you live in downtown Orlando, that's even better, I got two biggies:

Rumfest 2007 at Wall St. Plaza in downtown Orlando. Pay $20 in advance, or $25 day of for nonstop samples of daiquiris, punches, and anything you can imagine rum-related. These are one of those fests that are definitely worth it. It's Saturday from 5 p.m. - 2 a.m. and from past experience I can tell you that you should get there as early as possible.

Beertoberfest at Church Street in front of Mako's in downtown Orlando. If the Monsters from Real Radio 104.1 FM are holding court for a festival, it's going to be wild. A Miss Monster Bikini contest and $3 giant beers just seals the deal. It's $10 to get in and lasts from 4 - 10 p.m.

Eli's Chop Shop

For those of you who remember the days of the Dolive Building, when it actually had cool bars and shops and wasn't just an eyesore on Orange Avenue, should remember Eli Tobias.

Eli was owner of Eli's Cribb and Thee Grotto in downtown Orlando before he was forced to close so the building could stand vacant for years in downtown Orlando. But now, Eli has opened a compound of sorts in Winter Park on Fairbanks Avenue. He calls the area "Eli's Chop Shop" and it consists of Black Chapel Tattoo Studio, a mixed martial arts academy called American Combat Club and his wife's business, the Sandi Tobias Photography Studio.

It's the tattoo shop I'm really interested in, according to Eli it's "a nightclub/tattoo shop hybrid." He says the best decor from Thee Grotto is in there including the giant fish tank.

Welcome back Eli, I'll be stopping by the Black Chapel real soon.

This dumb, surreal, drunken American life

I feel like Ira Glass from "This American Life" with this blog today, because it comes to you in two acts. And the theme is, "What the f*** is wrong with you?"

Our first act takes place in the new Dolce Nightclub (formerly Club Paris for those of you who live in a cave). I'm not reviewing it here, but giving a slice of the evening that stood out the most. However, if you would like to read my review you can check it out here.

Back to the story, so the club is blue and green now and there is no way to get into the building from the old entrance without getting pounced by the small army of security casing the joint. That said, I entered from

Church Street

into a tunnel of smoke that rivals anything at Halloween Horror Nights at Universal. Once inside, I grabbed a drink and started people watching. Turns out the old entrance wasn't off limits to everyone, the owner walked through it into the club with about four, I'm sure what he would consider, hotties. He parked them out on the dance floor and went on his merry way.

Now, I don't know if he thought no one would notice this but of course I did. What I noticed next was pretty funny. One of the girls had a dress on that went to about the bottom of her butt cheeks. There were holes on the sides of the dress making it obvious this young las forgot to put on her knickers before heading out.

Yeah, I don't think she forgot either.

Which is fine, but what she did next just made her look like a fake ass. She goes to the stage with all her buddies hops right up and sits down on said stage. Now how the dress stayed where it did amazed me. Then her friend started taking pictures of her on the stage. Her just sitting there and completely exposed to the crowd.

I just figured the owner brought them in to get people to come out to the dance floor, because let's face it, hot girls with barely any clothes on is a good draw. It's worked for strip clubs for years. But for this girl to act surprised and shocked after she took the camera from her friend to look at her photo and see her nether regions were in the shot was just stupid. Honey, you know you had no underwear on and you're sitting legs open on a stage in a dress. What did you think would be in the picture? Other folks at the bar caught this as well and were snickering along with me. Whether she noticed or not, I have no idea, but her and her friends left there dance area shortly after. I may have been standing in the former Club Paris, but all of a sudden I couldn’t get Britney Spears out of my head. Dumbass.

This brings us to Act II, karaoke last night at the Lucky Leprechaun Pub on I-Drive. As much as I know I-Drive is a family-friendly tourist trap, it still shocked me upon arrival to the pub that kids were running around inside. I’m sure the folks from

Europe

have their internal clocks way off, so the fact that it was 10 at night didn’t bother me too much.

I was sitting in the back with all of my friends talking about what song we were going to sing next when I saw the monitor in front of me state some guy and gal were about to sing “Welcome to the Jungle” by Guns N’ Roses. My inner hair-rawker got excited and turned around to face the stage.

And that was when I saw who was going to sing this song about living on the streets in a strange city. It was no guy or gal but a little boy and little girl about the ages of 9 and 6 if I had to guess. Excessive drinking has wiped their names clean from my memory bank, so let’s call them Hansel and Gretel.

“I don’t think this is what Axl Rose had in mind when he wrote this,” said one of my friends. But you couldn’t help but watch. And where the hell the parents were was anyone’s guess. Whether young Hansel was really trying to channel Axl’s rage with his up and down movements or was trying to get himself high enough to reach the top of the mic stand is anybody’s guess.

But the best was when Hansel bellowed out the lyrics like a young Peter Brady, “YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE…?” In which I cut him off and said, “In a bar, with a lot of drunk adults singing Guns N’ Roses children.”

Just when you think you have seen everything, there’s always something that slips in the back door.

Monday night DJ duel

Funny thing is this Monday we have some famous DJs playing in Orlando, however, they're not really famous for the DJing.

The first one I told you about last week, the absurdity that is Tommy Lee DJing at Blue Martini on Monday night should be a show stopper. But the hottie that is turning up at Bliss Lounge that same night should also draw a big crowd. Jesse Metcalfe of "Desperate Housewives" and "John Tucker Must Die" fame will be hosting "Pure Bliss" at the club in downtown Orlando from 10 p.m. - 2 a.m.

Decisions, decisions... I guess I'll just have to split my time between the two boys.

So I'm hearing not so nice things about Dolce in downtown Orlando from you folks. Everything from it looks the same with new paint to the nurse shark and tropical fish need a bigger tank and clean water to Fred Khalilian will be out of business in about three months. I haven't been by, that's the plan for this weekend so I haven't formed an opinion yet. But you'll definitely hear my weigh-in on Monday.

To be or not to be?

I don't know what to believe anymore when it comes to Fred Khalilian's press releases. That would be the former owner of Club Paris, and the soon to be Dolce Nightclub.

First he was going to have a show on the air to find the new face of Club Paris after they split their partnership, that show never happened. Then Club Paris was going to close but that didn't happen until a month after the announcement. Then he was going to open a new nightclub in the space on Central Boulevard in downtown Orlando that used to be Cairo. Not so much on that one either, because the name of that club that would have been on Central (according to a press release) was supposed to be Dolce and now according to another press release from Khalilian he's opening Dolce Nightclub where Club Paris used to stand at 122 W. Church St. in downtown Orlando.

In fact, the grand opening is this weekend. I'll be out of town, so I won't know if what is essentially a repainted Club Paris will actually open this weekend. I've learned not to trust those press releases, but one thing I feel certain about is that Paris Hilton won't be attending. In other words, don't expect too much of a difference between Dolce and Club Paris.

No hero here

I was at a Maker's Mark Ambassador function with John, our Cheap Eats, Bar Bites man about town a couple of nights ago. He digs the stuff, personally, I don't think I had tried it before. There were a lot of cigar smoking, yup yups walking around but the head of the whole kit and kaboodle, Bill Samuels Jr. was a pretty down to earth sort who seemed to be sneaking some swigs from his own product. He was a funny guy who signed my hand-dipped red waxed glass that they gave away at the function for free. Would have liked to have seen the Maker's Mark drinks for free along with some food but you can't win them all. Supposedly they had a 60-second buffet before we showed up, so being fashionably late didn't really do much for me that evening.

As for the Maker's Mark? It's bourbon, all I know is at the end of my "Old Fashioned" there was an orange seed I swallowed by accident that would have displayed the product in my belly to the ambassadors in a whole new light. But I'm a professional, I took control of the situation.

And after one $9 drink that John spotted for me and the group that was with us, I took off to the Guitar Hero Challenge at Peacock Room. Yeah, I was on a mission that night. I still suck at Guitar Hero, but what sucked even more was the sad turnout for the event. I've seen you people with this game, and it's a level of sad dedication I feel Sally Struthers should be doing infomercials about.

So where were you that night? There were maybe six or seven of us back there, and a case of PBR for the winner, but the competition never really took off. It was just people playing, there wasn't really enough people for a competition.

  But you can redeem yourself, not only is Peacock hosting this event every other Wednesday, but tonight there is a big Guitar Hero competition at The Lodge. The Family Values Guitar Hero Competition takes place from 10 p.m. - midnight tonight and whoever is named the victor gets a chance to hang out with Korn backstage on Sunday's Family Value Tour at the TD Waterhouse Centre and play Guitar Hero head to head against Jonathan Davis himself. Not a bad prize, now maybe some of your lazy asses will drop the video game, get off the couch and head out to the Lodge tonight to pick up the video game again.

More Irish pub news

So, I just got word that the Harp & Celt will be opening its doors Monday in downtown Orlando. This is the Irish pub/seafood restaurant that took the space Scruffy Murphy's originally claimed to be moving into after its original downtown location closed.

Here's what I found on their Web site:

"The Crawfish Company Of Central Florida, Inc. and the Cottage Irish Pubs, Inc. have teamed up to form the new corporation: “Cajun Paddy, Inc." owned and operated by Kathy and James Mulvaney and Lisa and Rick Boyd.

The Cajun Paddy, Inc. will be mixing American and Irish heritage in a new and stimulating package opening the “Harp & Celt Restaurant and Irish Pub”, set for opening early August 2007 in the Historic District of downtown Orlando located at 25 South Magnolia Street. The Celt Irish Pub will open it's doors for the first time on Monday, August 13, 2007 at 11:00 AM. The Harp Restaurant will open it's doors for the first time on Friday, August 17 for dinner at 5:30 PM.

The Harp will be an upscale fine dining restaurant serving award winning dishes for the lunch and dinner crowd. Cody Patterson, our Le Cordon Bleu Chef is a graduate of the Orlando Culinary Institute, bringing some of the finest recipes and culinary delights to the palates of Central Florida. Fresh Fish from the Florida and the Louisiana coasts teamed up with our Angus Beef steaks will be the core ingredient of downtown Orlando’s newest and only dedicated seafood restaurant.

The Celt, next door to the Harp, will be a traditional Irish Pub serving traditional Irish beers and imports. The beer selection will be large, satisfying the tastes and whims of any beer fanatic. Included will be a full liquor bar and the finest wines available. Serving lunch and dinner will be an extensive menu of award winning Irish foods. Come and enjoy traditional and modern Irish music with music seisiun's being organized on a monthly basis."

I'll check it out next week and let you know what I think.

Scruffy Murphy's is back

I have great news for those of you who were regulars at the old Scruffy Murphy's in downtown Orlando: it's back. Not in downtown Orlando though, the new location is in College Park at 2625 Edgewater Drive that formerly housed Gio's and Adair's before that. My friend Rick was walking by with his wife when he noticed a sign in the door window. He asked the carpenter working some questions but the carpenter was rather hush hush. He had a dog named Beamish which is a pretty freaking cool name though. I called the Georgia location and the bartender confirmed that Scruffy's was reopening in Orlando. I don't know about a date or time yet, but as soon as I do I'll let you know.

Sloth

I had a ex-boyfriend call me that once, a special guy that one was. But I'm not here to take a trip down memory lane with you today, I'm here to tell you about one hell of a tasty martini I had the pleasure of imbibing last night at Tryst Martini Bar called "Sloth." Tryst was formerly Ybor's Martini Bar in downtown Orlando, and the martinis are still on the mark even if the bar is different. A mixture of Absolut Vanilla, amaretto, cream, chocolate syrup and grenadine had me wanting more, though the $8 happy hour price had my wallet saying enough already!

It was yummy!

I'm number 4!!!

Five jobs that will satisfy your wild streak -- but not necessarily your pocket books. Looky there, I'm number four.

On a lighter note

Whoo hoo, Club Paris has closed its doors for good!

On a once again sad note, the space off of Church Street will be opening again on Aug. 31 as Dolce Nightclub. Curious on how this reincarnation fares...

Sun sets on Southern Nights

Even though, I haven't been to the club regularly in years, I felt a pang of sadness when I heard Southern Nights off of Bumby Avenue in Orlando closed it doors for good this past Wednesday night. Supposedly due to unpaid back taxes the club just couldn't catch up. Even with some successful nights taking place at the club. In fact, recently The Rendezvous Lounge was hosting local music acts, which means another local music venue lost along with a legendary club.

A few years back, Southern's cheap drinks and drag shows kept my group of friends and me returning every weekend. The majority of us are straight, but we always felt welcome once inside the gay and lesbian club. It's a shame Orlando (especially the gay/lesbian/bi communities) has lost another much loved establishment, Southern will be missed.

Bags!

  Okay, so I might be stepping at bit on the Control Freak's toes here, but the subject of this today's blog was located at a bar so I'm going to absolve myself of any guilt for that reason.

From the makers of Golden Tee and Silver Strike Bowling comes.... BAGS!

Wait, Bags? Yes, Bags folks, like the red-headed stepchild of the Golden and Silver ones, this game is basically about throwing bean bags at a box with a hole in it. You get the bag in you win like a 1000 points or something.

Casey spotted this gem at Debbie's Bar last weekend and seriously thought this was one of their test models for when Target Toss Pro started making games, the cheap model you can get at a steal.

Turns out not so much, this is their newest game that came out last month. The idea is ridiculous, however, we still played it. Not a ton of skill needed, throwing the bag despite wind speed changes was about it and how I mastered that was really due to a lot of random guessing. Bags doesn't offer a lot of direction, but it was a way to kill a couple of bucks and save Casey and I from actually talking to each other, God forbid!

Will I play it again? Damn skippy. It was kind of fun and it doesn't take much to entertain this one as long as there is a beer in my hand.

A junkbox that's not so junky

So our resident karaoke king Tod Caviness and his ladyfriend Nikki were out on the town the other night. Well, maybe "out on the town" is a bit over the top. Actually it's a lot over the top. They were grabbing a beer at Kiwi's off of 436 in Altamonte Springs. And although we're talking strip mall bar hopping here, Tod and Nikki were still surprised on how empty the bar was on a Saturday night.

Especially after the discovery Tod made at Kiwi's and shared with the group a couple of days later. Turns out Kiwi's has a digital jukebox that actually has all of the songs to choose from each album it displays!

Now, for those of you lost, there has been a trend for bars in town to be getting rid of their beautiful old jukeboxes and replacing them with those touchscreen types or as Casey calls them "junkboxes." The largest offender of this is Copper Rocket Pub that had one of the best jukeboxes in town.

But the big problem with all of this is just because the junkbox has an album on it, you never get all the songs on that album, only select ones. I don't know if the bar has to pay per song or what, but it's bullshit at the end of the day. That is until Kiwi's decided to give the customer what they want, all the damn songs on an album to choose from.

What a concept: Keep the customer happy. Is it really that hard if your depending on a machine to do it? At least there's one place in town that gets it.

Get a drink named after you!

Peacock Room on Mills Avenue in Orlando will be giving one mack daddy of a prize to the millionth customer that walks through its entrance door this month: a drink named after the customer. According to Peacock's owner Dave Rich, not only will the person get a drink named after them, they'll also have their picture placed on the "award" wall and a nice little bar tab to boot.

They're basing the number on average drink price and annual sales to this point. Since they're still working on this, a specific date has not been announced yet for you to walk in and out of their door until they scream, "You won!!!!" When I find out I'll post it immediately.

My two cents on Bliss

So I'm not pushing this column too hard this week on CityBeat, just because you would be blitzed with Bliss knowledge between Paul's "Inside" piece this week and my column. But I thought if you were interested I would give you a little linky dink to check it out. Paul and I both went the same night (why he's mentioned), so you'll find we're pretty much of the same opinion for the most part.

http://orlandocitybeat.metromix.com/bars-and-clubs/orlent-kelly2007jul20,0,1374172.column?coll=orlnatent-bars-headlines

Have a great weekend guys!

Pedicabbers beware

So there's some new competition showing its ride off to the downtown revellers too schnockered to drive themselves home. O-Cartz is the new kid on the block, a stretch golf cart essentially. The new form of public transportation can drive around up to six people including the driver and is working the streets downtown spanning Marks Street to the north, Summerlin Avenue to the east, Division Street to the west and Anderson Street to the south. There are only four on the roads right now but the owners are confident they'll be taking more on. The drivers will take you one-way anywhere in the coverage area for $3. I will say, next to the lymmo, that's one of the better deals in our fledgling young public transportation system.

Drunken Monkey

You have to love the name: Drunken Monkey Coffee Bar. My friend John made me aware of the place this past weekend, when he drove down Bumby in Orlando and saw Conway's BBQ has gone the way of the wind and there was a sign in the window stating as much. Not to say I was completely surprised, everytime you drove by Conway's you'd be lucky if you caught a cat in their dumpster. I went in once, because I felt bad they had no business at the Bumby location. And the food was pretty decent.

As far as the tanked ape's new joint, it opens in September and this is what its Web site has to say:

"Drunken Monkey Coffee Bar was conceived to fill the need for excellent coffee and healthy foods in Orlando.  We offer...

• Freshly roasted espresso/coffee/coffee beans daily.
• Homemade gourmet soups drummed up fresh in our kitchen by Soupcon owner John.
• Yummy muffins, cookies, and pastry items made from scratch.
• Lots of veggie, vegan and organic choices.
• Xylitol-based goodies (sugarfree but good for you! seriously check out xylitol).
• Open mike entertainment.
• Convenient drive thru expresso-based fixes."

I love the line: "Drunken Monkey Coffee Bar was conceived to fill the need for excellent coffee and healthy foods in Orlando." I wonder what the folks at Dandelion Communitea have to say about that, although their focus is tea and not coffee. I would love to see them play it out like the Jets and the Sharks and end up having a tree hugoff.

It could also be the same owners forcing a hippie monopoly. How's that for an oxymoron? Either way, I'm looking into it. No mention of alcohol on the site... hmmm. There better be some damn booze if you got a liquored up monkey as your mascot.

One thing is for sure, the new coffee bar will be yet another destination for many of the spoken word, crunchy, vegan, drum circle-types in this town. In otherwords, this business model will get a crowd no doubt.

What's the deal?

Since I love you all (and I really do), I've decided to start the blog off today on a good note. Tonight head over to Phat-n-Jazzy at The Social for their new special that will knock your liver out of downtown Orlando. For $5 at the door you not only get in and listen to some cool music, but you drink free wells, imports and domestic drafts until midnight.

The last time I attended this night they didn't have this deal and it was a ghost town inside, I was one of maybe 10 people the whole time I was there. Please fix this folks, this is a long-running night at a great venue with killer drink specials. You're just plain dumb if you don't go.

Now for the bad note. Living in Thornton Park I'm well aware of the pretension that surrounds me (it's kinda hard to miss). But how I love the area so, I could just do without some of the people. Once upon a time a restaurant named HUE opened to cater to, what seemed to me, those people specifically. I went only once for brunch (and it was good, I will say) but for the most part avoided the yuppiness. Some time later, a new restaurant opened called Shari, right next door. But they had a happy hour that everyone could appreciate, $3 select sushi rolls and $4 saketinis (a martini with sake instead of gin). I saw a mixture of types in the crowd the three or four times I went and didn't feel out of place in the slightest, and yet, I was still on that corner in Thornton Park.

Well those days are long gone, the recent expansion of Shari, seems to have brought on an expansion of ego by the restaurant as well. Friday night, my best friend Kristin comes to visit. Kristin is all about style, so this hanging with the beautiful people sort of crap amuses her to no end. But she's also frugal with her money so I decided the perfect choice for our Friday evening out would be Shari. My fiance Casey came along as well. We were dressed business casual I would say, I even wore my Coach bag for crying out loud. But yet, we stood and waited for a table to "open up" in the hot sun with two other couples. In the meantime, other people (who clearly recognized the five hostesses standing out front, do we really need five?) were brought right in.

Once the other two couples were brought in they quickly exited. I imagine they tried to hide them in a corner from the pretty people, even though in my book, they looked a lot more normal than half the plastic in the joint. That said, we were asked if we would sit at the sushi bar. Fine, we say. Again forgotten. But two girls come up and are seated instantly. That was our cue to go, believe it or not, over to HUE.

Maybe the folks had reservations, but none of that was discussed with people at the door. They just walked right in while we were sent off to the side. A friend of mine, who loves the place, said her recent experience there was poor as well. Surprisingly, HUE was quite comfortable, there was a mix of people on the front porch, it was as if the two restaurants switched crowds. Service was friendly, although the bill was not. Four cosmos, two glasses of wine, three salads and two soups later had us looking at a bill over $100.

I guess some things never change.

Free food, free beer, free cupcakes!

It's true, you can have free food, free beer and free cupcakes at Redlight Redlight tonight all for $5 at the door. What are the freebies for? Who cares, it's free!

But if you must know, this wonderful bar in Winter Park is celebrating its two-year anniversary tonight. And not only will you be stuffing your hole with free goodies and beer, some bands will actually take time out from their own eating to entertain you as well including John Ralston, Summer Blankets and The Dark Romantics. Party starts at 7 p.m.

Yeah, I'm a genius!

So thank you to those of you alerting me to the photo issue in yesterday's blog. It's fixed now and since the people who guessed correctly, or let me know what a dumbass I am, are all ineligible, the contest is still on.

I'm telling you it's this past weekend that has made my mind into this luke warm lump of mush that it is. Although, in my FMF travels in downtown Orlando, I did get a chance to swing by Suite B, and enjoy the space as an intimate music venue and I have to say I like it a lot. It's no Bodhisattva reincarnate, anyone that has been by Suite B knows it carries a way different vibe. However, I did dig it as a music venue and I think they should embrace that facet of the club a bit more.

Speaking of live music, tonight The Dark Romantics and Band Marino, will be playing at The Social with national act Lovedrug. I just discovered The Dark Romantics this past weekend at the festival and I enjoyed what I heard and saw, and Band Marino is Band Marino, enough said. Just for those two acts alone it's worth the $10 cover.

Anyone needing an accordionist can contact Jimmy Bubaloni.

Knocked up

No, not me! I wouldn't do that to you!

But if you can be the first one to guess who the celebrity is in this photo taken at Dragon Room and sent to us by Christina Martin, then I'll give you two passes to the screener of the movie "Knocked Up" playing next Thursday:

 

Well, that's about it for today. I'm still recovering from Florida Music Festival and Bull & Bush's birthday, which was all a blast. My body just hates me now.

Will's Pub gets bulldozed

If you want to see the building on Mills Avenue one last time, you might want to drive by now because there are still two walls left but for the most part the rest is rubble. I hated it standing out there empty for so long, but now that's it's really gone I'm just so sad.

Paris Hilton fired from clubs, but name will remain

Who would have thunk it? Club Paris owner Fred Khalilian has reportedly fired Paris Hilton from the two nightclubs that bear her name, one here in good ol' Orlando and the other in Jacksonville.

Why you ask? Because she has better sense than to go to them, or at least show up when she's supposed to. How this is shocking I have no clue, when she was six hours late to the grand opening of the club in Orlando, that should had been a red flag, don't ya think? So what do they plan on doing with the name? Oh they're keeping it, according to this link on Yahoo, Khalilian says it now refers to the city in France, not the heiress. I would like to see someone shell out $10,000 next New Year's Eve to share a balcony with Khalilian in a club named after a city it would cost a fraction of that to vacation in. But you'll hear more on that in my column next week after I get a chance to talk to Khalilian myself.

But, for all of you naysayers two years ago that said the club wouldn't last six months, I would like to say, I was right when I said it would last at least a year. But now, I'm officially starting the clock on this death watch.

Raise your glass to Ybor's

There are rumors that the original downtown Orlando martini bar, Ybor's, has closed. And it turns out those rumors are true. In fact, it closed almost three months ago. But no one really knew for sure because the construction of 55 West has deterred many from visiting the once popular martini bar. That's right, a high-rise killed a martini bar in this town. I love the irony considering it's those same condos and high-rises that have forced us to endure less-classy and thrown-together lounges and martini bars around this town. You guys are convinced that I don't like martini bars. But I do, when done right, and Ybor's did it right. It will be missed.

Natura update

Got an update on what's happening with Natura folks, it's running in my column on Friday but since you are all valuable readers of this here blog, thought I would reward you with a sneak peek:

"...the Say Anything Slam is looking for a new home since Natura Café at DMAC shut its doors last weekend.

If you’re worried about the Natura Café down by UCF, it’s still running strong. According to Brandon Haydon, manager of the downtown location, the owner of the historic Rogers Building that housed DMAC and the cafe closed their shop because of renovations he’s doing on the building. The café will be moving to its new location in the downtown Expo Center on Livingston Street — an interesting choice — sometime next week, although he’s not sure if the hookahs still will be allowed.

As far as the Say Anything Slam, if you have any ideas on where it can move, let me know and I’ll definitely send them along to slam mistress Dani O."

So the downtown location did find a new home, however, not quite sure how that will work and what kind of crowd it will attract. More business- and convention- types I'm sure, I guess that remains to be seen.

Toast bad news with a martini

Looks like the demise of DMAC didn't help the downtown location of Natura and they closed their doors yesterday. I was really rooting for that place, which is very popular at its UCF location, but didn't quite pick up that momentum downtown. It will be missed and sadder yet, the closing will be displacing another open mike night around town. Dani O, hostess of the Say Anything Slam, that moved not too long ago from Austin's in Winter Park because of closing rumors, is looking for a new home... AGAIN... Any good words for Miss O. on where she should go, just let me know.

That rhyme was cheesy and totally done on purpose, a slam poet I am not. But now that I have you guys all down in the dumps, here's some good news. Mark on your calendars this Thursday as the date you need to be on Church Street in downtown Orlando for Martinifest 2006. Normally a part of the Wall Street landscape, I guess a rumfest and a martinifest in one week might be a bit too much. This is one of, if not, the best sampling festivals this town has to offer, plenty to choose from and the lines aren't as bad as most liquorfests. Tickets to Martinifest 2006 are $25 prior to the event and $30 at the door and will take place from 6 - 9 p.m.

TONIGHT!!!

For those of us who remember it well, and others who arrived too late:

Come on, shake your body baby, do the conga OR Pass the salsa

Metrowest Sports Bar and Mexican Grill on Kirkman should win the "Everything But The Kitchen Sink" award this week. I mean, if they just had Karaoke somewhere in that title it would have totally sealed the deal. I went on a Bar Bites binge with CityBeat's Bar Bites' writer John Graham to the bar that wants to be everything to everyone last night. I will say though, burritos and beer is a nice break from the normal wings dealy at most sports bars.

But that is not why I post today. John can tell you more about the food and drink later. The reason why I write is because the place is not only a sports bar, a mexican joint and grill, but they also offer salsa lessons every Monday, Tuesday and Thursday from 6 – 8 p.m.

Tanya, the senior señorita here at CityBeat wanted to jump up and shake her hips with the rest of the crowd (and by crowd I mean roughly 6 – 8 people) taking the lessons in the front of the room. She tried to get me to jump on that bandwagon, in which I gulped down my beer and yelled "What wagon?" Before hightailing it out the front door, Tanya clarified she didn’t want me to "get on the wagon" she just wanted me to dance because she wanted to. Screw that, I had a beer to drink. John asked if we thought skinnier or heavier women were better at dancing salsa.

Huh?

Anyway I’ve diverted from my original point. Besides offering everything else, if you’re looking to take salsa lessons, Metrowest Sports Bar and Mexican Grill offers $10 dance lessons as well. Adios!

Reason #852 for why I drink

And if you don't, you really should start:

http://www.wsmv.com/health/9681978/detail.html

Win a $500 gift certificate OR I would really love a burger right now

I swear O-Rock does not have me in their pocket book, but this looked pretty interesting and I thought I would share with the class:

http://www.orock1059.com/contests/contest11.shtml

Worst bathroom in Orlando OR Fastest way to make someone gag

You hear worst bathroom in Orlando and everyone has an opinion. I know you guys are shouting out Will’s Pub or the Court and Central dungeon shared by Cleo’s, Suite B and too many for me to list right now. Those are pretty foul, but I get paid for my opinion and those don't match up to the Trainspotting clone that is Chillers ladies room. And before you start berating me for even being in there, it was a friend's birthday, she digs that kind of stuff. 'Nuf said.

Back to the bathroom. There was nothing heavenly about what was at the end of this long hall that leads to this flooded marsh of feces. One bowl was clogged and another must have overflowed because I had to roll my pants legs up to my knees in order to walk around.

I know you guys are wondering why I even stuck around to roll 'em up. Sad part is I had to go so bad I wouldn’t make it back down the hall way, through the club and out the door without causing my own flood along the way. So I sucked it up (my breath), dropped my pants and hovered.

Disgusting.

Social experiment #1 OR My boyfriend is my hero

You know when you have a certain idea in your head on how something should be and when it turns out not to be true you’re hell-bent on making it so?

That was my mood at Cleo’s in downtown Orlando last Friday. Now, I love this bar and my friends dig it too. I’ve said it’s reminiscent of Kit Kat… well sorta.

The plastic playing pool this particular evening was killing any cool vibe potential the place had going for it. (Now try to say that ten times in row… faster… faster!!!) The billiard area was like a casting call for "America’s Next Top Model" and the tools panting over these shallow betties had more chains and rings on then a jewelry rack at Jared’s.

This was not the crowd this place needed to be attracting. Sorry, I can be a bit of a hipster snob at times, even though I’m not a hipster. But Cleo’s is perfect for that clientele and we got enough bars pandering to the yups in this town already, so my friends were in agreement that the current crowd had to go.

Before I continue with this story, I want to go on a little tangent real fast. At a recent DJ-off between two friends and colleagues, our very own Bao Le-Huu and the Weekly’s Jason Ferguson, there was a category called "Best Song to Clear a Room With." I was on my third PBR tall boy so what they each played I really can’t recollect, I think someone played The Carpenters… I’m really not sure, but what I am sure of is they both failed. NO ONE LEFT!!!

Why? (and go with me on this I’m getting back to the original story) Because it all depends on the audience. If either one of them blared death metal the room would had been cleared out in five seconds flat.

My boyfriend on the other hand, he knows how to clear a room. And he proved it within 45 minutes this very evening at Cleo’s all within a touch of a button on a jukebox. Or a few.

Some hip-hop song that wasn’t very good because I had never heard of it was bouncing out of the jukebox, off the walls, on to the pool tables and into my ears and that’s when Casey (that would be my boyfriend) stepped in with $5. That’s an hour worth of songs folks.

Now what he did next was even slightly punishing to our friends and I, but you know what they say, the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few and we were willing to sacrifice ourselves for the benefit of this club attracting a cooler crowd.

What did he play you ask? Um, four David Allan Coe songs, followed by three Johnny Cash, followed by Tracy Chapman, followed by Patsy Cline followed by White Zombie.

Now some of you are like, hey I love Johnny Cash. And I understand that, as do I. This crowd, not so much. First song, you see them kind of startled, "where did the hip-hop go?" They’re whispering to each other but still patient that this must be a blip on the jukebox radar. Then the second Coe song starts up and you can see they’re busting into panic mode. About six of them are surrounding the jukebox, almost guarding it while shoving dollar bills down it’s metal throat as if they could choke the song out.

Third song they sit down on the couches. They don’t want to play pool anymore, they’re sulking. This is awesome! One Asian chick wearing a piece of Brawny paper towel disguised as a dress tells some guy staring at her chest, "If it ain’t hip-hop, I can’t hang."

Priceless.

Now this actually goes on for close to 45 minutes. They really held out, I was impressed. They were bitching the whole time but that’s entertaining so I wasn’t complaining. What surprised me though was the song that turned out to be the final nail in the coffin that was their good time.

"Fast Car"??? Tracy Chapman was the one to clear the room. I thought for sure they’d be running for the hills when Patsy started belting out, "Walking After Midnight" but what did Tracy ever do to anyone?

Doesn’t matter, they were out the door so fast they were tripping over each other. Now it was time to build up from the wreckage. My friend Paul said Mikey Cortez from The Spitvalves was DJing later that night so that’s a good start. We finished up our pool game and left with "More Human Than Human" playing in our wake.