Drinky drinky fests

If you want to get shnockered at a festival this weekend, you won't have to look far. And if you live in downtown Orlando, that's even better, I got two biggies:

Rumfest 2007 at Wall St. Plaza in downtown Orlando. Pay $20 in advance, or $25 day of for nonstop samples of daiquiris, punches, and anything you can imagine rum-related. These are one of those fests that are definitely worth it. It's Saturday from 5 p.m. - 2 a.m. and from past experience I can tell you that you should get there as early as possible.

Beertoberfest at Church Street in front of Mako's in downtown Orlando. If the Monsters from Real Radio 104.1 FM are holding court for a festival, it's going to be wild. A Miss Monster Bikini contest and $3 giant beers just seals the deal. It's $10 to get in and lasts from 4 - 10 p.m.

Eli's Chop Shop

For those of you who remember the days of the Dolive Building, when it actually had cool bars and shops and wasn't just an eyesore on Orange Avenue, should remember Eli Tobias.

Eli was owner of Eli's Cribb and Thee Grotto in downtown Orlando before he was forced to close so the building could stand vacant for years in downtown Orlando. But now, Eli has opened a compound of sorts in Winter Park on Fairbanks Avenue. He calls the area "Eli's Chop Shop" and it consists of Black Chapel Tattoo Studio, a mixed martial arts academy called American Combat Club and his wife's business, the Sandi Tobias Photography Studio.

It's the tattoo shop I'm really interested in, according to Eli it's "a nightclub/tattoo shop hybrid." He says the best decor from Thee Grotto is in there including the giant fish tank.

Welcome back Eli, I'll be stopping by the Black Chapel real soon.

This dumb, surreal, drunken American life

I feel like Ira Glass from "This American Life" with this blog today, because it comes to you in two acts. And the theme is, "What the f*** is wrong with you?"

Our first act takes place in the new Dolce Nightclub (formerly Club Paris for those of you who live in a cave). I'm not reviewing it here, but giving a slice of the evening that stood out the most. However, if you would like to read my review you can check it out here.

Back to the story, so the club is blue and green now and there is no way to get into the building from the old entrance without getting pounced by the small army of security casing the joint. That said, I entered from

Church Street

into a tunnel of smoke that rivals anything at Halloween Horror Nights at Universal. Once inside, I grabbed a drink and started people watching. Turns out the old entrance wasn't off limits to everyone, the owner walked through it into the club with about four, I'm sure what he would consider, hotties. He parked them out on the dance floor and went on his merry way.

Now, I don't know if he thought no one would notice this but of course I did. What I noticed next was pretty funny. One of the girls had a dress on that went to about the bottom of her butt cheeks. There were holes on the sides of the dress making it obvious this young las forgot to put on her knickers before heading out.

Yeah, I don't think she forgot either.

Which is fine, but what she did next just made her look like a fake ass. She goes to the stage with all her buddies hops right up and sits down on said stage. Now how the dress stayed where it did amazed me. Then her friend started taking pictures of her on the stage. Her just sitting there and completely exposed to the crowd.

I just figured the owner brought them in to get people to come out to the dance floor, because let's face it, hot girls with barely any clothes on is a good draw. It's worked for strip clubs for years. But for this girl to act surprised and shocked after she took the camera from her friend to look at her photo and see her nether regions were in the shot was just stupid. Honey, you know you had no underwear on and you're sitting legs open on a stage in a dress. What did you think would be in the picture? Other folks at the bar caught this as well and were snickering along with me. Whether she noticed or not, I have no idea, but her and her friends left there dance area shortly after. I may have been standing in the former Club Paris, but all of a sudden I couldn’t get Britney Spears out of my head. Dumbass.

This brings us to Act II, karaoke last night at the Lucky Leprechaun Pub on I-Drive. As much as I know I-Drive is a family-friendly tourist trap, it still shocked me upon arrival to the pub that kids were running around inside. I’m sure the folks from

Europe

have their internal clocks way off, so the fact that it was 10 at night didn’t bother me too much.

I was sitting in the back with all of my friends talking about what song we were going to sing next when I saw the monitor in front of me state some guy and gal were about to sing “Welcome to the Jungle” by Guns N’ Roses. My inner hair-rawker got excited and turned around to face the stage.

And that was when I saw who was going to sing this song about living on the streets in a strange city. It was no guy or gal but a little boy and little girl about the ages of 9 and 6 if I had to guess. Excessive drinking has wiped their names clean from my memory bank, so let’s call them Hansel and Gretel.

“I don’t think this is what Axl Rose had in mind when he wrote this,” said one of my friends. But you couldn’t help but watch. And where the hell the parents were was anyone’s guess. Whether young Hansel was really trying to channel Axl’s rage with his up and down movements or was trying to get himself high enough to reach the top of the mic stand is anybody’s guess.

But the best was when Hansel bellowed out the lyrics like a young Peter Brady, “YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE…?” In which I cut him off and said, “In a bar, with a lot of drunk adults singing Guns N’ Roses children.”

Just when you think you have seen everything, there’s always something that slips in the back door.

Monday night DJ duel

Funny thing is this Monday we have some famous DJs playing in Orlando, however, they're not really famous for the DJing.

The first one I told you about last week, the absurdity that is Tommy Lee DJing at Blue Martini on Monday night should be a show stopper. But the hottie that is turning up at Bliss Lounge that same night should also draw a big crowd. Jesse Metcalfe of "Desperate Housewives" and "John Tucker Must Die" fame will be hosting "Pure Bliss" at the club in downtown Orlando from 10 p.m. - 2 a.m.

Decisions, decisions... I guess I'll just have to split my time between the two boys.

So I'm hearing not so nice things about Dolce in downtown Orlando from you folks. Everything from it looks the same with new paint to the nurse shark and tropical fish need a bigger tank and clean water to Fred Khalilian will be out of business in about three months. I haven't been by, that's the plan for this weekend so I haven't formed an opinion yet. But you'll definitely hear my weigh-in on Monday.

To be or not to be?

I don't know what to believe anymore when it comes to Fred Khalilian's press releases. That would be the former owner of Club Paris, and the soon to be Dolce Nightclub.

First he was going to have a show on the air to find the new face of Club Paris after they split their partnership, that show never happened. Then Club Paris was going to close but that didn't happen until a month after the announcement. Then he was going to open a new nightclub in the space on Central Boulevard in downtown Orlando that used to be Cairo. Not so much on that one either, because the name of that club that would have been on Central (according to a press release) was supposed to be Dolce and now according to another press release from Khalilian he's opening Dolce Nightclub where Club Paris used to stand at 122 W. Church St. in downtown Orlando.

In fact, the grand opening is this weekend. I'll be out of town, so I won't know if what is essentially a repainted Club Paris will actually open this weekend. I've learned not to trust those press releases, but one thing I feel certain about is that Paris Hilton won't be attending. In other words, don't expect too much of a difference between Dolce and Club Paris.

No hero here

I was at a Maker's Mark Ambassador function with John, our Cheap Eats, Bar Bites man about town a couple of nights ago. He digs the stuff, personally, I don't think I had tried it before. There were a lot of cigar smoking, yup yups walking around but the head of the whole kit and kaboodle, Bill Samuels Jr. was a pretty down to earth sort who seemed to be sneaking some swigs from his own product. He was a funny guy who signed my hand-dipped red waxed glass that they gave away at the function for free. Would have liked to have seen the Maker's Mark drinks for free along with some food but you can't win them all. Supposedly they had a 60-second buffet before we showed up, so being fashionably late didn't really do much for me that evening.

As for the Maker's Mark? It's bourbon, all I know is at the end of my "Old Fashioned" there was an orange seed I swallowed by accident that would have displayed the product in my belly to the ambassadors in a whole new light. But I'm a professional, I took control of the situation.

And after one $9 drink that John spotted for me and the group that was with us, I took off to the Guitar Hero Challenge at Peacock Room. Yeah, I was on a mission that night. I still suck at Guitar Hero, but what sucked even more was the sad turnout for the event. I've seen you people with this game, and it's a level of sad dedication I feel Sally Struthers should be doing infomercials about.

So where were you that night? There were maybe six or seven of us back there, and a case of PBR for the winner, but the competition never really took off. It was just people playing, there wasn't really enough people for a competition.

  But you can redeem yourself, not only is Peacock hosting this event every other Wednesday, but tonight there is a big Guitar Hero competition at The Lodge. The Family Values Guitar Hero Competition takes place from 10 p.m. - midnight tonight and whoever is named the victor gets a chance to hang out with Korn backstage on Sunday's Family Value Tour at the TD Waterhouse Centre and play Guitar Hero head to head against Jonathan Davis himself. Not a bad prize, now maybe some of your lazy asses will drop the video game, get off the couch and head out to the Lodge tonight to pick up the video game again.

More Irish pub news

So, I just got word that the Harp & Celt will be opening its doors Monday in downtown Orlando. This is the Irish pub/seafood restaurant that took the space Scruffy Murphy's originally claimed to be moving into after its original downtown location closed.

Here's what I found on their Web site:

"The Crawfish Company Of Central Florida, Inc. and the Cottage Irish Pubs, Inc. have teamed up to form the new corporation: “Cajun Paddy, Inc." owned and operated by Kathy and James Mulvaney and Lisa and Rick Boyd.

The Cajun Paddy, Inc. will be mixing American and Irish heritage in a new and stimulating package opening the “Harp & Celt Restaurant and Irish Pub”, set for opening early August 2007 in the Historic District of downtown Orlando located at 25 South Magnolia Street. The Celt Irish Pub will open it's doors for the first time on Monday, August 13, 2007 at 11:00 AM. The Harp Restaurant will open it's doors for the first time on Friday, August 17 for dinner at 5:30 PM.

The Harp will be an upscale fine dining restaurant serving award winning dishes for the lunch and dinner crowd. Cody Patterson, our Le Cordon Bleu Chef is a graduate of the Orlando Culinary Institute, bringing some of the finest recipes and culinary delights to the palates of Central Florida. Fresh Fish from the Florida and the Louisiana coasts teamed up with our Angus Beef steaks will be the core ingredient of downtown Orlando’s newest and only dedicated seafood restaurant.

The Celt, next door to the Harp, will be a traditional Irish Pub serving traditional Irish beers and imports. The beer selection will be large, satisfying the tastes and whims of any beer fanatic. Included will be a full liquor bar and the finest wines available. Serving lunch and dinner will be an extensive menu of award winning Irish foods. Come and enjoy traditional and modern Irish music with music seisiun's being organized on a monthly basis."

I'll check it out next week and let you know what I think.

Scruffy Murphy's is back

I have great news for those of you who were regulars at the old Scruffy Murphy's in downtown Orlando: it's back. Not in downtown Orlando though, the new location is in College Park at 2625 Edgewater Drive that formerly housed Gio's and Adair's before that. My friend Rick was walking by with his wife when he noticed a sign in the door window. He asked the carpenter working some questions but the carpenter was rather hush hush. He had a dog named Beamish which is a pretty freaking cool name though. I called the Georgia location and the bartender confirmed that Scruffy's was reopening in Orlando. I don't know about a date or time yet, but as soon as I do I'll let you know.

Sloth

I had a ex-boyfriend call me that once, a special guy that one was. But I'm not here to take a trip down memory lane with you today, I'm here to tell you about one hell of a tasty martini I had the pleasure of imbibing last night at Tryst Martini Bar called "Sloth." Tryst was formerly Ybor's Martini Bar in downtown Orlando, and the martinis are still on the mark even if the bar is different. A mixture of Absolut Vanilla, amaretto, cream, chocolate syrup and grenadine had me wanting more, though the $8 happy hour price had my wallet saying enough already!

It was yummy!

I'm number 4!!!

Five jobs that will satisfy your wild streak -- but not necessarily your pocket books. Looky there, I'm number four.